Ms Taffy Davenport - Came with the Wife

Ok so I don't own Taffy. She is a living creature and has chosen to be our companion. But I felt I had to share her with you cause, well, damn she is a fat ball of fur.

Apparently when my wife first got Taffy (before we knew each other) she was small enough to be held in her hand. Now she weighs about much as a small bear. I guess she grew up on an ostrich farm, which may explain her skittish and often puzzling behavior. You would be scared of things too if you grew up around a bunch of ill tempered flightless birds.

She was being overfed when she first stayed with us, but we cut back. The only problem is we have another cat (my boy Sisko; big props to black Star Trek captains) and she eats his food as well. Plus she smacks him in the head with her open paw all the time. Its kind of like they are Ike and Tina but in reverse. And cats. But one time i came home early from work and found them on the bed licking each other. I think they may be having an illicit feline affair. Only my cat is kind of lame in the love department, and has often tried to mount female cats around their heads before giving up and running away. Poor boy.

Taffy hated me at first. She lived at my wife's parents house and would run away from me whenever I sat down near her. Then one day she smelled my shoes and began a passionate love affair with them. She would rub on them in some very suggestive ways that honestly made me feel a little uncomfortable. When we moved Taffy came with us. She warmed up to me, got fat and is generally a good girl. One of her favorite past times is laying on her back with all her paws in the air and waiting for someone to pet her. Is is pretty funny to see, as she her whole belly is white fur. She has recurring eye problems where her left eye swells shut and gets all goopy. She doesn't seem to mind and in a day or two it goes away. First time it happened it looked so disgusting I thought she had lost her eye. It was traumatic. A vet told us once she might have eyeball herpes. How fucking gross is that? I didn't know such a thing even existed.

Taffy can move fast for a giant tub of tortoise colored fur. She used to kill mice in our old place and leave them for me to wake up to.

Bonus points for anyone reading this who knows where Taffy's name comes from. And a certain person who's initials are LT need not apply. Please leave your answer in the comments and receive a musical prize of your choosing. Runner up gets an original drawing of Taffy fighting an Octopus in the Arctic. I am serious. So 2nd place is almost better in a way

Jesus at Play Painting - $1

This one of course tries to answer a question that has confounded theologians for ages: what kind of football player would Jesus be?

I bought this at a thrift store in Oxnard and i was very happy with the find. Wouldn't you be? It was at the Retarted Childrens Thrift store where i have found many a great buy. The freebee Minas Tirith paperweight that came with the Lord of the Rings DVD? Got it for a buck there too. And don't even get me started on the matador painting i found there. Oy vey.

But back to the question at hand. I personally believe that Jesus would be the best football player ever. This is not a judgement on his divinity or anything, its just i don't know a lot of people who would be willing to take the chance and tackle Jesus. I mean he is supposed to be forgiving, but i have to think that even he might be pissed off if a 240 lb linebacker took him down. And if he is god? Well look out. All bets are off. Can you score infinity? Well Jesus would. I mean he isnt even wearing a uniform. That takes balls. Jesus sized balls.

Of course Jesus is playing youth football in this depiction, which seems kind of unfair. If you think that he would rule the NFL, imagine his domination of Pop Warner football. I would hate to be the kid in the huddle that gets the finger poked at him and hear "ok Bobby, you cover Jesus". I mean he isnt wearing shoes. What happens if you accidently step on his feet with your cleats? As an 8 year old i would assume that would curse me to damnation. If you consider him 30 years old or 2006 years old, he is still to old to be playing a contact sport with little kids.

One last note. Notice the kid is handing off the football to Jesus, who is ahead of him. As you may know this would be an illegal forward pass. Definitely against the rules. Do the rules not apply to Jesus? Who does he think he is? Oh yeah...

Chewbacca Plush Toy - $2.99 with Purchase of Whopper

This small, fluffy version of Chewbacca was bought at Burger King in the lead up to last summer's Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. As you can see it it pretty irresistible, at least to a nerd like me. I have a matching plush Jawa (with light up eyes) and Wampa. If you don't know what a Wampa is then its time to break out your Empire Strikes back vhs or dvd. It's the monster that gets an arm chopped off courtesy of Luke Skywalker.

Chewbacca has to be one of the strangest characters in popular culture. You can't quote him, unless you excel at guttural growling. He seems like he should be a tough guy, but he is actually kind of a scaredy cat. Remember in Empire when he got all scared of the bat thing in the cave? You are a giant space ape. Space bats that reside in the mouths of giant space worms should not scare you. He came back for the movie last year but it was a total cameo and not that exciting. He served no purpose other than being there so people could say "hey, its chewy!".

It is because of Chewbacca that one of favorite quotes exists. In Return of the Jedi they approach the second Death Star and Chewie worries that their ship will be spotted. Han Solo's advice? "Fly Casual". Brilliant.

Last summer as Burger King had all their toys I ended up eating there a lot. I must have been a very unhealthy person. I have lost 15 pounds in the last four months by simply eliminating all fast food and soda. I feel a lot better. Don't get me wrong, I love a good Whopper, but it has something like 700 calories. That is ridiculous and I haven't even mentioned its fat content. Thankfully my lady works at Trader Joes which makes it a lot easier to eat healthy. I just pray that some other movie franchise doesn't come along and tie in with a fast food chain. When the first Lord of the Rings movie came out they also had a tie in with Burger Kings for goblets (yes I have all four) but that was it. Nothing for the second or third film. That saved me 10 pounds at least.

You can find these toys on e-bay pretty cheap now. Mine lives on my desk at work. He is pretty happy.

Beautiful Lady Head (Faydra) - Free

I love this lady.

This is another piece that comes from Pasadena. I got it when i was living in a 1930's, two room bungalo. One day some people down the street had a moving sale. They were a nice couple in their early 30's who over time had collected a lot of very hip crap. Now that they were moving it was time to jettison a lot of it (Looking at my apartment I have a feeling this is where I am headed). Anyway I first happened upon a home-made piece of art that had small naked lady playing cards all over it. They were from the 1960's and looked like something that would be given out at a stag party. Glued to a piece of wood and accented with paint and stars it captured my heart. I had $2 on me so I bought that. But then I continued to rummage and came across the lady.

As you can see from the photo she is awesome. A gleaming smile, stylish necklace, cropped hair that reflects her carefree attitude. She is everything you would want in a torso-less woman.

This is the only bust I own. I don't think that busts are really something keep in their homes anymore. I am not sure when this one was made, but I am assuming sometime in the 1970's. Of course her name is Faydra. Would you like to know here story? Ok

Faydra was born in the the central California town of Salinas. Of course Salinas in nothing more than a stop over point between Los Angeles and San Francisco. Everyone in town knew her for her long hair, which seen from afar would shine in the sun. She was a good student who wanted nothing more than to leave her small town and head to the big city. Nothing ever happened in Salinas except the occasional big rig crash. So upon her graduation in 1978 she moved to SF and got a room in a small apartment complex. Rent was cheap and that as reflected in the thin walls and assorted rodents that ran roughshod over her kitchen floor. But it was hers and she loved it.

Faydra worked in a bookstore, a small used place out of the way of the bustle of late 1970's San Francisco. This afforded her hours of alone time in which she read to her hearts delight. Occasionally she would venture out into the nightlife, seeking like minded people to enjoy wine coolers and cloved cigarettes. This is where she first tried cocaine. Her friend Paco Jones had cut some up in front of her and urged her to try it.

The Coke struck her like a bolt of white lightning and she was hooked. She slept less and partied more. The sex she was having was rampant and obscene. Her body was covered in bite marks and she constantly smelled of licorice. She started using more and more, forging autographs in books for re-sale to keep up her habit. When she awoke one morning in Golden Gate park covered in ground pickles and won ton soup she realized she had bottomed out.

Selling what meager possessions she bought a dull green Datsun and drove south. She told herself that she would stop at the first for rent sign she saw upon entering Santa Barbara county. This happened in Goleta.

She lived at the Pacific Palms complex, tutoring middle schoolers in math by day and sweeping floors at a Mexican restaurant by night. Free of her coke habit she cut her hair, put on a smile and lived life.

And that is all you need to know about Faydra.

Sleeping Man - $0.69

This little man was purchased from a thrift shop in Pasadena. He has 2 siblings, neither of which are asleep. In fact i only got the other to show how awesome sleepy here is.

I wonder what he is dreaming about? He seems to be more or less a peacefull fellow. Do you think he has dreams where he is a samuri warrior? He would spring into action, his enemies tricked by his constant sleeping and defend the village. Perhaps.

Like i said this was procured a thrift store, more to the fact a Goodwill near where i used to live. I only got him recently though in a trip back into the area.

Pasadena can be very hit or miss on the thrift store scene. I have gotten some finds, but for the most part i come away empty handed. LA in general has a very bad thrift store scene as hipsters have scoured them all and taken anything good. If you want a find anything these days your best bet is to get up early and go garage sailing in the San Fernando valley, try the PCC swapmeet or drive to San Diego which has some amazing thrift stores. I am actually confused as to why their thrift stores are good. SD seems like a hip town. Yet last trip down i was overwhelmed by the amount of great and cheap merch. Possibly everyone there is busy playing in a band.

Ventura used to be great for shopping, back in 1998 or so. But as more people have moved out that way it too has suffered. I used to have great success in my high school days finding clothes and records at Ventura shops. These days i almost never find records of any sort at Thrifts. But thankfully when i bought this little man i also got a 7" of 'Love Will Tear Us Apart'. So there are always little treasures waiting to be found.

Pickled Herring - $6

I love pickled herring. And I am not even Scandinavian.

I bought this at my local Ralphs supermarket (Full disclosure: I always shop at Trader Joes where my lady works, but we had to go to a big market for secret reasons).

Most people think eating raw pickled fish out of a jar is gross. I find it delicious. I think I first really started loving pickled herring when I was 13. Everyday after school I would take a bus to the Metro station and then take the train home (I lived very far from my school, another county). Well there was always an hour gap between when the bus dropped me off and when the train arrived. Thankfully there was a Smorgasborg right next to metro station. For those who don't know a smorgasborg is a Scandinavian buffet. The have ribs, Swedish meatballs, assorted other dishes and of course pickled herring. This place was run by a kind old Swedish lady who would smile when I came in and try to make small talk. I couldn't really understand her though so i would just nod politely. I would sit and eat to my hearts delight and write Star Trek fan fiction, like i said i was 13, and stare at the weird people who came in.

I think it actually took me a while to try the herring, cause it does look weird and I am used to cooked fish. But when I did I fell in love. It is good stuff. Its very salty and slimy. I know a lot of people won't eat slimy food as I have had many an argument about Dim Sum, another food experience I enjoy. I used to be very conservative about what i would eat, but as i get older i have gotten more adventurous.

Sadly I didn't go to the smorgasborg for while. I moved out of the area and didn't return for about five years. When I came back the place had become a Mexican restaurant and then a smorgasborg again. Unfortunately when they made it a smorgasborg again they kept the Mexican restaurant chefs who had no idea how to make Swedish food. I tried it once and it was awful.

I only get Pickled Herring every few months cause it is $6 for a little jar, and $6 can by a lot at Trader Joes. I also never get to go to a smorgasborg as there are none in the area. I try to go whenever I pass Solvang, the Danish capitol of America

Painting By Deth P Sun - $175

I bought this painting a couple of years ago from Giant Robot LA for i think $175. If i saw it today i would want to buy it, but i don't have a spare $175 lying around any more. In fact i hope i can make my rent this month.

Anyway i love Deth P Sun, the fellow who painted it. The best thing about this painting is that on the back there is a very intense and detailed pen drawing of a futuristic flying war machine manned by an all cat crew. This has led me to think about what kind of war would cats fight. Who would they fight against? You would think dogs, but i don't believe that based on the developed technology they appeared to be using. I am guessing some sort of advanced sea dwelling creature that had been hiding in the depths and advancing their own machines until they appeared and started to wage war. Thankfully the felines were ready and battle hardened. Can't you hear them singing the battle hymn of the Republic, but replacing all the words with 'meow'? Never fight an enemy that has built in claws.

Sadly my cats could not fight in this war. One is way too fat and plays dead at the slightest provication, while the other is a lover, not a fighter. (sad fact: he is 10 years old and a virgin. He tried to hump another cat once but didn't even get close to where he should have been).

Anyway this painting is on shelf in full view in my living room. It is on a wooden block so i have never really figured out how to mount it. I like it though

Welcome

I own many things.

Small Things.

Large Things.

I have spent a lifetime collecting these things and i don't know why. Well i guess it is so i can show it to you.

Exciting.

So enjoy.